A Whole New Kingdom of Gheydom

A little drabble. Sam/Dean.

2008-07-16T19:26:34Z

I wrote this for someone in a comment a while ago, I don't even remember who!, and I'm not sure if I ever posted it here, so I thought I would. Vamp!Sam, maybe someday I'll turn it into something full-fledged (add that to the list).

Title: Blood is Thicker
Characters/Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 188
Summary: Dean needs him, even if Sam's not quite him anymore.
Disclaimer: Borrowed with great love and appreciation from Eric Kripke, the CW, and all the rest. No harm or profit intended - just giving the Winchester brothers and company another place to play, though I do so enjoy playing with them ;)

Sam plays the trump card, and Dean sees it for the vicious move it is, so calculating, not quite Sam, but it’s Sammy and Dean needs him.

“It’ll be forever, Dean. I’ll never leave you.”

Sam always knew how to get what he wanted, and his eyes, for all that they’re more cat-like, are no less convincing than when Sam was five with puppy dog eyes - or when Sam was Sam just last week, and still had them then. These eyes burn into Dean, glinting eerily, and they pull. Pull Dean toward him; blood calling out to blood.

“Okay, Sammy.” Dean grits his teeth and stares Sam down, unflinching. “Do it.”

Sam grins, a strange, almost comforting cousin to his old wide, white-toothed, dimpled smile, the one he used for laughing at Dean, free and easy. This new one glints too, but it’s still Sam, still for Dean, and when Sam sinks his teeth in, Dean swears he can hear his own blood rush, and leave, and the rhythm that’s always been behind it, stays behind.

SamandDean. SamandDean.

Just like it’s always been. It always will be.

Okay, this one might be even better...

2008-07-14T04:27:48Z

"A Beer In Time"

On a delicious and dark morning, Sam sat in bed. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His hand ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Dean to love someone with a hot ass?

Oddly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a sinful mesmerizing book, all on a summer's day. I wish my Dean would fuck me, in his own sweaty way..."

"Do you?" Dean sat down beside Sam and put his hand on Sam's cock. "I think that could be arranged."

Sam gasped beautifully. "But what about my hot ass?"

"I like it," Dean said lovingly. "I think it's bloody."

They came together and their kiss was like a brother loves a brother.

"I love you," Sam said sarcastically.

"I love you too," Dean replied and killed him.

They bought a werewolf, moved in together, and lived absently ever after.

*

Story commentary:

*Sam's hand aches to hold Dean's cock.
*Or maybe it hurts because he's been jacking off alone too much.
*Sam definitely has a hot ass. Maybe he thinks Dean is a tits-only man? Sooo not true, Sammy.
*Of course Samantha would write poetry. About books. *gets distracted by thinking of a sweaty Dean fucking Sam...*
*I'm pretty sure Dean sitting down next to Sam on the bed and doing what he does is, like, the most canon thing ever. For realz.
*Bloody, eh? Doesn't bode well for Sam's ass. No wonder Dean fucks sweatily...He's really givin' it to poor Sammy. Maybe that's what killed him?
*BUT NO! We know death can't keep a good Winchester down! The ending's pretty vague, but rest assured, our boys are living and loving and...enjoying Sam's hot ass.

THE END.

OMFG.

2008-07-14T03:43:38Z

LULZ.

So I was inspired by tabularassa's use of the drabble-o-matic, and so I had to make my own, Sam and Dean style, of course. And the grand reveal of this baby is just...too perfect for words. Though I kind of wish I would've remembered to cut and paste the one where Sam got fucked lovingly by a snow man, who was then, of course, attacked by Dean. Followed by hot chocolate. Still, I give you...

Sam and Dean were celebrating a rogueish Valentine's Day together. Sam had cooked a sinful dinner and they ate in a trance by candlelight.

"My darling," Dean said, stroking Sam's thumb, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Sam. "It is but a sumptuous token of my strong love."

Sam opened the box. Inside was a boyish Impala! He gazed at it lovingly. Then he gazed at Dean lovingly. "It's beautiful," Sam said. "Come here and let me kiss you."

Just then, an unearthly crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like chocolate when you haven't had chocolate in a year. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a delectable voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Dean read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other lustily as the crone cackled some more. Sam's chest began to tremble. Then Dean shrugged, pulled out a beer, and hit the crone on her cock. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Sam said and kissed Dean hesitantly. "This is a graceful Valentine's Day!"

They excitedly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they fucked each other all night long.

**

The story came up with the brothers thing all on its own. *ROFLs all over the place* And the perfect ending no less. If I only I could have such a graceful Valentine's Day ;)

Man, I have a feeling I'm gonna be doing this all night long. And possibly posting more of it too. Drabble your own here.

Updates from the Underground:

2008-07-05T23:56:05Z

New layout because my paid account expired and effed the other one up, and then I re-paid and just redid anyway. The Boosh boys. Le sigh. It's easy for the addiction to grow, as these two have been doing projects together for, like, 10+ years. And they're not afraid to talk about bumming each other or kissing on TV which is, you know, refreshing. And adorable. And hot. They are a whole new kingdom of gheydom; long may Princey Vincey and Howard TJ Moon, Man of Action, reign!

Had a bitch of a panic attack at Kmart the other day and it was so horrible and embarrassing that I've since quit because I can't face going back. It wasn't anything in particular that set me off, but there it was, and it sucked, I couldn't breathe, I was crying, dizzy, all the good stuff.

Fortunately, I've started at Blockbuster again, which is a bit more familiar, like a warm glove. Or kitten. And with it comes free movies and video games, so hurrah! I still hate retail, but hopefully this will be bearable for a month.

And hopefully my goddamn loan will come through soon.

I have an apartment! Wee! Only $450 a month with all my utilities and such included, furnished, the works. I'm getting more and more excited about moving; I just got an email saying the textbooks I'll be teaching from have been ordered and I'll be getting mine + instructor's manuals this week. Geektastic!

I'm sure I'll get sucked back into the Heroes fandom once the show starts up again, but as it is, I've barely been active in Spn, nevermind Heroes. And yet my Adam/Peter fic, Your Voice Can Take Me There has been nominated for the Heroes Slash Fanfiction Awards, so that's rad. A lot of you Heroes folks on my flist are up there too - congrats! *smishes*

Someday, there will be fic. I SWEAR. One less job = more time to write, right? And honestly, once I'm back in school, and insanely busy, I'll probably be on the internet more, and avoiding work. I feel like a reject fangirl right now.

Also, just because, ART:

Da Boosh.

I love books, booky book books.

2008-06-29T18:50:15Z

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Strike out the books you have no intention of ever reading, or were forced to read at school and hated.
5) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (movie with Colin Firth = le sigh)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - Only the first two. Return of the King bored me, but I dug the movie all right.
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible I used to be like, huge Jesus freak. What the hell happened? (Religion did, heh).
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman Brilliant stuff. The film sucked.
~~10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens~~ Dickens annoys me. I'm a bad Victorian.
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott Her horror/sensational stuff is pretty amazing.
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy On my bookshelf
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare He is my boyfriend.
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier On my bookshelf
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger I had no interest in reading it, figuring it was overrated, and then I loved it. Quiet poetry.
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot On my shelf.
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy Half of it when I was in like 5th grade - I don't remember a bit, and wonder if I did at the time.
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
~~26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh~~ Boring as hell. I had a professor who was obsessed with him, creator of his international fan club and everything - we read a lot of Waugh. Ugh.
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen (I really need to read some Austen - makes me a horrible disgrace of a Brit lit scholar)
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (saw the movie, it was all right)
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins Lurve him.
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery Used to love those when I was little.
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley - I really need to read this, I've been wanting to for a long time.
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov Must read for the incest and underage, shame on me!
~~63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt~~ If this is the one I'm thinking of, that I read by her, it was extremely disappointing, but I braved through it, hoping it'd get better, and then...worst.ending.ever (said in Comic Book Guy style voice, of course).
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas I've seen so many of the film versions and love them, I need to read the book.
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy On me shelf
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding (love the films, I admit)
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens (this one was all right)
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker This is the stuff I want to teach!
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett I could reread it bunches. I still have the key necklace that came with the green-covered edition.
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce (It's on my bookshelf - I don't know if I'll ever read it).
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath This book was me.
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray (on my shelf, not sure if I'll read it)
80 Possession - AS Byatt I've read part of it, just kind of lost track of it..
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle I'm working my way through them
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (I was in the play!)

Jarebear in charcoal.

2008-06-27T02:36:59Z

He's even pretty in soot, yeah? All credit to the Jare bear for teh pretty, though I did have fun with this.

Charcoal sketch + Paint.NET

Also, Kmart is lame, and I'm maybe working on a novel about serial killing quasi-incestuous brothers - inspired by Sam and Dean AU thoughts but NOT Sam and Dean. Master plan? Quit Kmart and work on novel. Don't tell parents.

Not likely to happen. *facepalm*

I think I might finally be ready to watch the S3 finale again. Maybe.

Book memes are good memes.

2008-06-23T18:32:42Z

Ganked from sophie_448:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

***

Well, what do you know?! Page 123 only had four (very long) sentences, so I went onto 124. Just some info for you purists out there. This is from Sweeney Todd: The Real Story of the Demon Barber of Fleet Street by Peter Haining, which I should be reading but have been neglecting:

"The British public's appetite for exciting entertainment in the middle years of the nineteenth century can be summed up in a single word: voracious. During the first half of the the century the population had increased from eight to sixteen million, and now than an ever-growing number of these people were semi-literate and even had a little money to spare in their pockets thanks to slightly improved wages, they wanted to forget their poor living conditions and hard, repetetitive work in the evenings through escapist fare of one sort or another. The development of the printing press and its product the penny journal had provided one means of satisfying this demand. The theatrical 'melodrama' - which was to draw extensively on the latter - provided the second."

Yay penny dreadfuls and sensationalism! Exactly what I intend to specialize in at school - blood, guts, murder, drugs, horror, sex, all the good stuff that the masses so love. I totally geek out over the history of nineteenth century literacy and publishing, so I'll spare you further history lessons unless you really want one ;) So far, an interesting book, though...

Because Sweeney Todd was for REALZ, ya'll. ~~Awesome~~ scary, I know.

FLIST: TAG, you're it!

*

PS. Hired at Kmart; it's kind of lame, but bearable. Discount on clothes at Sears, wee! Still waiting on loan money. Might be securing an apartment today or tomorrow. Playing lots of The Sims, in which Sam and Dean are married, and so are Howard and Vince (the Boosh boys), and silly Sam went and cheated on Dean with Howard! Unbelievable. Also, I used the naked patch, so you can be a perv and see the boys' boy parts, and for some reason, Dean and Vince don't have any. Weird. And in my canon, they're the ones that top! My whole Sim universe is crumbling around me, what a world, what a world!!..

I may post pictures of my Sims in and out of domestic bliss at some point - Dean and Sam look somewhat like their real counterparts, and they get up to all kinds of crazy! Sam's looking for ghosts...and I'm thinking about making Dean become a vampire. Hmm.

Right now they're really pissed at each other, though...I feel super-bad for Dean :( Sam's needs to do some major kissing ass...

*wonders if she can make him do that literally*

Question for the Brits on my Flist!

2008-06-17T04:53:01Z

Drive-by post:

In what ways is "all right" (or "alright," if you prefer) used in British English? Particularly, do you use it in the sense that something is just so-so? Like..

Jared: So how was I?
Jensen: Eh, you were all right.
Jared: All right? You're kidding, right?
Jensen: Of course I'm kidding! You rocked my world, Cockzilla.

This may be a dumb question, but I'm writing a fic with British characters and I really don't want to make an ass of myself more than absolutely necessary! I've heard "all right!" used as a greeting of sorts, synonym for the affirmative "okay," and as an "awesome!"-like exclamation, but I wasn't sure/wanted to make sure that it could be used in this way too, as it's kind of pivotal to my story, oddly enough.

*

Sorry I haven't been around much lately! And here I thought I would have more time for the internetz over the summer...

Gah, I've still got comments to catch up on from ages ago! And I don't even have a job yet - Kmart training starts Saturday, oh boy. Friends and family and being lazy...

And now, all the lovely Big Bang fics coming out! Oh, the squishy J2. I really need to write!

Who did what to whom now? And who liked it?

2008-06-09T06:20:23Z

I go away for a few days and there is wank out the wazoo.

Generally I avoid the wank anyway, and hardly ever know what's going on in the comms, let alone the RLs of our boys, just because I'm off in my own little world (albeit populated by them), but it seems everywhere I look the wank is being mentioned, even though I'm still not quite clear on what exactly went down. I gather that fangirls are making our puppy sad, however, and that is just not too be tolerated, yo. bigfiction pointed me in the direction of a vid from the Dallas con where he addresses the Sandy issue to teh fans, and it's just...

Dude, he shouldn't even have to do that, but he did, and quite graciously, and I love him all the more for it, and that's all I care to focus on at this point. But if anyone does want to give me a brief bullet list play-by-play of WTF went down this weekend, I'm somewhat curious.

*

In other breaking news, so many awesome responses to my bottom!Sam post - you guys rock :) Oh, fandom - THIS is what you are meant to do! Have thinky thoughts and indepth discussions about butt secks! Makes me wanna post more questions for ya'll or start a comm or something, because we need more of this shit, yo.

Catching up on my replies tomorrow - now, after a whirlwind weekend of moving the rest of my apartment home (no, garage full of boxes, I do not want to deal with you for at least a week!), I needs to sleep. *avoids temptation to dig through comms for wank history, as it will surely only be depressing/annoying/time consuming*

Take it, Sammy, take it!

2008-06-04T22:13:29Z

You know what irks me?

Bottom!Dean.

Now, this is nothing against anyone who likes bottom!Dean - that's totally cool, and sometimes it works for me. But there's so much of it, and I'm kind of curious why so many people prefer it over bottom!Sam. Is it the age difference, gendered perception, characterization, dominant roles, what?

I know some of my flist is bottom!Sam inclined along with me, and I'm sure there's those of you who prefer bottom!Dean or swing both ways.

If you don't mind me asking, what's your rationale? I'm honestly just curious.

I'm always sad when I think fic might be headed in the bottom!Sam direction but doesn't go there, and it's got to the point where I'm so obsessed with this issue, unless the fic is amazing, I might stop reading. Likewise, unless a fic sounds incredible or someone recs it to me, if I can tell it's going to be bottom!Dean, I tend to avoid it. I'm not sure why - like I said, there's nothing I have against bottom!Dean. Sammy on bottom (and just as much, Dean on top!) makes me hot, and there's not enough of it :(

I've seen several fics now that include bottom!Sam in the warnings section of the fic. Why?! Is bottom!Sam as kinky/potentially disturbing/warning-worthy as non-con or fisting or something? To me, it's like saying, "warning: gay sex." Maybe it's because bottom!Dean is that prevalent that people feel the need to warn if the fic goes against the grain?

And it's not like there aren't any bottom!Sam fics. There's plenty of good ones, but I don't think it's a leap to say there's more bottom!Dean fic, or a general bottom!Dean persuasion.

I don't know if I have a point, I'm just...musing. Just making an interesting observation in a...observationally interesting way ;)

But if you're in the mood (heh), tell me which way(s) you swing or don't and why; I'd love to get some thoughts on this! Am I the only one who feels this way?!

I <3 Noel Fielding.

2008-05-30T21:58:47Z

The Boosh is taking over my brain, and with good reason. I promise I'm not abandoning Spn or anything (I owe fics, I know!), but the crack and silly is very cheering after the Spn finale. And it's brilliant, and Noel Fielding, who plays Vince Noir, Electro Poof and King of the Mods, owns my heart for his quirkly adorableness.

Recent interview with Noel; see why I love him:

"Fame is a bit Nietzschean. For everything good, something bad happens to you, so you have to sort of be careful. My mum and dad are quite hippyish, so I'm pretty naive. I take everyone at face value.

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.

The more people drink, the more they want from you. At 9 o'clock people want a photo, at 10 o'clock they want you to write them an essay, and at 1 in the morning, they want you to speak to their nan, who named a dog after you - which is a true story.

Gay people are all like Superman. You have to be quite strong to be gay - or to be different in any way. You build special muscles. I'm strong, like a flea. A really powerful flea.

The more glam you look and the more you believe your own hype, the more likely you are to get your head cut off. I learned that when I saw a dragonfly being decapitated by ants.

Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it.

Stand-up is like school. When you're not very good, you're a supply teacher and the kids will run riot. Bill Hicks was a headmaster; I'm getting up to being maybe a part-time French teacher.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

I visited a friend in Leicester recently. It was 4am, and we all ran round in a circle, six of us. It's the most fun I've had since I was seven. And I thought: it's not about drink, or drugs, or fancy clubs. It's about running around in your socks, changing direction! In a front room in Leicester.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

We're attracted to dark stuff as human beings. I know it's wrong, but I love guns.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

I'm a mischievous drunk. I hate the kind of drunks that you have to run away from when you see that look in their eyes like they're planning to kill you and wear your skin as a leisure suit.

I like what Little Britain is doing, but when you get as popular as that, it becomes something else other than comedy, like bread or oranges or wallpaper.

With the Boosh we take something like a merman and give him a vagina and make him look a bit like Rick James and get him to play the funk. That's what we do.

It's important to keep the chain of influences going. Someone you admire likes Bob Dylan, who likes Woody Guthrie... It's important, otherwise people just disappear.

I don't have back-to-front ram's legs, but I feel like I have. All of my comedy stems from the fact that I feel like I'm half-man, half-animal. A man is funny, but a man with antlers is hilarious. And I'm going to see this experiment through to the end.

*

Le sigh. He's dreamy...literally.

Sorry I've been a bit MIA - settling back into the home digs and all. Trying to find a job, to no avail. Why oh why can't I get paid for spending time on the internetz?

I love the Boosh.

2008-05-23T18:33:25Z

Fun new obsession?

THE MIGHTY BOOSH!

Words cannot even begin to describe the awesome crack and squee and fun and teh crazy gay love that is this show. How delighted was I to find that everyone and their mother (and me) is slashing Howard and Vince (and their RL counterparts) because dude, it's pretty much canon. And adorable. And hot. And even without that, the show is just made of win.

Boosh canon contains: boy kissing, orgies, golden showers, prostituion, hermaphrodites, androgyny, cross dressing, glam rockers, Vince being mistaken for a woman and Howard's wife, fantastical creatures, random song and dance numbers, magical potions, CRACK, and so much more.

And look at the pretty!

I want to make a silly Spn vid to this song. Wouldn't that be fab? I'm working on a compilation of Wincesty moments, food!Dean moments, and movie geek!Dean moments as well. Amongst those millions of other things, and jobhunting - right now, I'm pretty much hired at Kmart starting in the beginning of June, but they can only guarrantee me hours anywhere between 8 and 30. I'd really like more towards the 30 (well, I won't like it, but I need the monies). And yesterday I just turned in an application for a minit mart/gas station right by my house, and that will probably suck, but I'm betting they can give me more hours. Until then, I twiddle my thumbs and wait and see...

My family got the Wii Fitness thing last night! It's soo cool. I've lost 1 pound according it it already ;) It's kind of depressing when it tells you you're obese and shows your little wee character practically exploding with fat, but the exercises are pretty neato and fun. I just need to blast my music along with, as the Wii happy go grocery store music tends to get a little annoying. I totally want them to get some kickass RPGs out where you can really run and fight in it, and that would pretty much be the funnest exercise ever. Sam and Dean exercise, yeah?

Working on sammys_grl's fic right now and trying to balance the schmoop and the angst...and the sex ;) Most of this week has been me running around trying to find a job and then collapsing in post-semester exhaustion. It's good to be home, though.

Though I'm sure I'll be itching to be on my own again and off in Florida soon. Love the 'rents sooo much, but living with them can only be tolerated for so long after being on one's own for months at a time.

Still not brave enough to re-watch the finale yet. Soon. I need to rest up first ;)

Hold me thrill me kiss me kill me.

2008-05-16T18:43:54Z

I downloaded, I squeed, I cried, I survived. Fam is up for the weekend so there will be no LJing for a bit, but come Monday...

Oh, boy.

Maybe I'll recover enough to have something sensical to say by then. Maybe.

I sense many painful rewatchings. And LOTS of fic and speculation to be had this summer, and gods, if it weren't for that to look forward to, I'd drive myself crazy waiting for next season.

*hugs Flist*

Way belated 3.15 partial review/response/picspam/squee.

2008-05-15T22:02:20Z

Watching 3.15 for about the third time now, I thought I'd say a few things...

I can't promise they'll be things that haven't already been said, but hey - I gots a right (nay, a duty!) to squee properly, however belatedly. Read and refresh before the new ep if you wish :) LOTS of pictures included.

Now, did I miss this, or did we not make use of the title song at all in the ep? Cuz seriously, it's a must. Creepy as hell in the movie Fallen and actually a song I meant to use in a fic I never wrote, that began to play around Dean mysteriously (all "House of the Rising Sun" style) as his time was running out...Tonight, maybe? Please, Kripke? The song is so perfect for the boys in so many ways, yo. Think of it as Dean's theme song ala Sammy's college years, and the sick, sick irony now for both of 'em: Lyrics

But I digress.

Enter demon tied to chair and boys being bad-ass. Hotness. There's an edge to them here that's been developing slowly to the point where now it almost seems natural. These are not our season 1, or even season 2 boys, oh no no no. The look on Sam's face, the sound of his voice, when Dean mocks that the demon doesn't know anything, and Sam says, "I heard." Both of them, so dark and crisp about it all, Dean going all gung-ho and Sam just watching, savoring the pain, almost. *shivers*

Dean smarting off to the demon and pouring holy water down the guy's throat = brutal in the best of ways. Understandable, but still creepy, that this is where they've come to. And the demon's not giving them anything.

The silent speak between the boys, eyes and nods *loves* and Sam goes right on into the sexy, mechanical Latin by rote that he's undoubtedly picked up all that time alone in "Mystery Spot." Still so much fun/torture to think about what those months did to him, how much of that quietly holding onto sanity through methodical hunting and killing has to do with this week's brand of Sammy crazy, the kind that is just *breaking* me. But more about that momentarily...

No one's thrown too sideways over the dead husk that Dean just had to go bury, are they? I'm not saying that to suggest that the boys actually don't care, mind you, but the strictly business, do what you have to do kind of attitude they've both taken up here speaks volumes about what this war has done to them. I mean, what's a few "poor schmucks" compared to staring down Hell? To losing the most important thing in the world to you? I think it's quite possible that while Dean is just taking the job on as usual, with rightfully a bit more of an edge and immediacy, Sam genuinely might not care all that much. We've had Sam ready to murder innocents for Dean this season in both "Mystery Spot" and "Jus in Bello" - who's to say how much of a qualm he really would've had with snaking body parts as needed? I'm sure he would do his best to be polite and courteous, but I don't think our Sammy's too concerned with much of anything or anyone besides Dean right now.

I don't blame him :(

Sweaty, exerted from digging graves!Dean?! HOT. Let me show you him:

And then begins the crazed, desperate, manic puppy Sam. *huggles him to bits*

(It's obvious Sam is not entirely human, because he keeps getting ridiculously prettier each and every single EPISODE! Look at the pretty!)

It's so obvious something's up - since when does Sam get this excited over a hunt, and a more Dean-like zombie one, no less? Dean is right to be suspicious, but it's so friggin' cute how quick he is to defend his love of zombies, as though ascertaining that if he's wrong and Sam *is* a-okay, they MUST hunt zombies, it is meant to be, OTP. Oh, Dean.

"I didn't say I didn't wanna do it. I mean, obviously I wanna hunt some zombies."

Oh, Dean. Never change. And, uh, don't die, so you don't have to, kay? Thanks.

Doctor: Fine, so you're cops *and* morons.
Dean: Excuse me? No, no we're very smart.

Oh gods, *dies from the adorkable* How dare you question Dean's intelligence?! Infidel! Sammy Demon Puppy Jesus will bite you! Or slobber on you as he grins manically at his brother, who he loves very very much. Either way, you have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found...

Whatever.

"So that kinda punches a hole in our zombie theory, huh?" Oh, so subtle, manic!Sammy. Fortunately for you, Dean is distracted by zombies and his own humor, and for once, you even kind of smile along with him rather than grimace or roll your eyes, because you are insanely in love with him and going to save him and not even an eternity of Dean pop culture geekery (which I personally adore, Dean, don't worry) could sway your resolve!

Also, you are ~~manic and~~ pretty:

I love the recent influx of smart ass victims being questioned - the pissed off wife last ep, this kidney dude - exactly how real people might respond. With total WTFery at Sam and Dean's questioning - like dude, leave me alone, I want to mourn my kidney in peace! Srsly. ~~Minus the horrible screaming nurse at the ep's very beginning~~

FOOD!DEAN! WOO HOO! SHOW LOVES US! And Dean's showin' the sandwhich some love <3 Dean + Food = the real OTP. Not even manic pretty Sammy and his fecal matter rivers of doom can break their love!

(Dude, you can totally see the lettuce on his tongue. Sick. And yet strangely fascinating. I want to eat from Jensen's mouth like a baby bird. Do you doubt me?)

But seriously, most of all I just want to wrap Sam in my arms here and never, ever let him go. Oh, Sammy. The excitement and hope and giddiness that is just practically rolling off of him, and it's so sad that it takes this to have him genuinely enjoy and savor Dean's company like this, when obviously in my brain, they should've been doing fun brother things all damn year, but hey. Que sera sera. And I suppose Dean thought he was trying with their Grand Canyon...

Also? Sammeh is so smart. YAY RESEARCH SAM! And pretty. And a wee unhinged. And I love him. See?

Sammy boy, you will be the death of me. ~~And Dean, but that's not really funny. Even Dean agrees. Very tasteless of me.~~

So yeah, overall, manic!Sammy makes me happy in my panties. For real. I should not be nearly as excited by our poor boy falling apart, but gah, he's doing it so beautifully! The writers made a great choice here, and Jared's playing it so well - how long has it been since we've seen a Sam so happy or carefree? He's fucking *giggling* and trying like a little kid to hide it and it breaks my heart into millions of pieces in the most delicious of ways. Oh, Sammy. *pets* This is what I've been wanting to see, Sam just *this* close to losing it, and so blinded by any bit of hope he can get his hands on, willing to do *anything* to save Dean. And knowing, oh-so smartly and heartbreakingly devious, that Dean wouldn't like it if he knew, hence the baiting ala zombies.

And... cut to ANGST:

Have I ever mentioned that I have a Dean ordering Sam around kink? We know Sammy doesn't like it (and was dishing it back quite deliciously in "Mystery Spot"), but just Dean simply saying, "Pack your stuff, let's go," makes me kinda hot. Because he's just naturally taking care of Sam, without a second thought. But then here...Here it gets achy.

Dean: Sam, we're going.
Sam: No. (Yay, Sammy!)
Dean: Why the hell not? (*shivers*)
Sam: Dean, this, this here, now, this is what's going to save you. (Oh, Sam, so hopeful, so emphatic, really needs to believe this, and I believe he does - he'll do anything to make it work. *pets*)
Dean: What, chasing some Frankenstein?
Sam: Chasing immortality. (*breaks*)

Manic, hopeful Sammy.

(Dean: WTF?)

Oh, Dean's look of shock here, that Sam really believes this, and Sam's complete insistence that it's the way, like how could Dean even question - both of them concerned for each other, both of them dealing in their own ways (Dean = shoot, hunt in a different sense; Sam = hope, desperate, interesting how many times they've switched back and forth between these roles over the course of the show).

I don't even have words, so just look at the faces:

Oh, puppy.

Sam: Look, Benton can't die. We find out how he did it we can do it to you.
(Oh, Sammy. His desperation, his love, is so palpable here, so beautiful and painful and this is seriously one of my favorite scenes in the history of Spn).

Sam so excited at what's he figured out, so completely latched onto this idea.

Sam: You have to die before you can go to Hell. So if you can never die..

This is the stuff of our fics, of what we see in Sam, willing to do for Dean just as Dean did for him, so much love and need, for better or worse.

Hurt, betrayed Dean face. Ow.

Dean's hurt again that Sam's lied to him - Even back to season 1, with Bloody Mary and Sam's secret, Dean wants to know everything about his brother, in order to know him, protect him, and for Sam to keep this from him, to put himself at possible risk, is a slap in Dean's face. And yet I find it hard to blame Sam; this is no different than Dean selling his soul for Sam, really. Neither's exactly a good idea, but both can't imagine it any other way, and I keep flashing back to "Mystery Spot," and trickster trying to convince Sam that they need to stop doing this, it only ends in blood and pain, but the thing is, they *can't* stop. All Wincest aside, this seriously is the epic love story of Sam and Dean, an old-fashioned romantic tale that never ends well, but is fated to be. Star-crossed brothers/lovers whatever; one refuses to live without the other. Dean's derisive, "What is this, Sid & Nancy?" made me squee, because he's comparing them to a couple, and yet it's painfully true, the dangerous level of love between them, like Bonnie & Clyde even. This scene encapsulates everything that is Sam and Dean, hurting each other to love each other, save each other, never quite understanding the other but needing them so badly...

I love our show for giving something so passionate and full of depth here, no matter how much it makes me sad and achy :(

Dean: You're not helping. You forget, that if I welch on this deal, you die.

Despite my qualms with the show's fluid treatment of this clause, I've accepted that for whatever reason trying to kill the demon doesn't count (though I don't like it, I understand how show kind of backed themselves into it), I love that Dean keeps coming back to this: he did it for Sam, won't risk losing Sam again. This vicious cycle of death and sacrificwe...

Dean: Guess what, living forever is welching.
Sam: Fine, then whatever the magic pill is, I'll take it too.
Dean: Oh, what is this, Sid and Nancy?

Ow, the look of disgust on Dean's face here. Kind of contradictory, baby - it takes two to be co-dependent, and you're just as guilty.

Also, the idea of Sam and Dean living together forever? Again with the epic romance in the most angsty of ways. Imagine how warped they might become, how incredibly tied up in each other - if Wincest would ever happen, it would happen then, and it might not always be pretty. *muses*

Dean: Are you coming or not?
Sam: I'm staying here.

Oh, Dean's painful, achy shock. I feel so bad for him in a way, cuz I think this is like last ep where he's taking Sam all wrong, thinking Sam doesn't care, when Sam *does* and they have so very different ideas of how to deal with this and what to do. But to be Dean and have so many self esteem and love issues as is, and to think that the brother you're dying for doesn't give a shit...*pets Dean*

The "I love you, Sammy, how dare you not let me take care of you?" face.

Oh, boys.

And the "not gonna let you" scene. Oh god. Again, with my take charge Dean kink, and the sole reason behind it - keep Sammy close, keepy Sammy safe, and the pure confusion and loss Dean's displaying with that duty taken away breaks me into pieces. They both ARE trying to do the same thing, but they're hurting each other too. Oh god, they're so fucked up.

Dean: "What am I supposed to do?" face, Dean's own desperate take care of Sam schtick.

Jensen's subtle little face twitches when Sam tells him he's not going with him, that Dean can make him, trying to rein in that emotion that wants to come out. And you can tell that he still thinks Sam will cave, that Sam's gonna come with him, he can't even comprehend this, and gah, I wish we could hear exactly what he's thinking right now, how he's interpreting Sam. Both of ours boys doing this scene beautifully. And then they go and break me completely, Dean with his voice breaking, a million million things in "Be careful, Sammy" and Sammy tears. How the hell am I going to survive the finale if this is already breaking me? And yet I love it, twisted me, all that beautiful delicious man pain. And just the complete deterministic quality of it all - like it can't happen any other way, they're just trapped in this and doing what they can and I just...wish they could have the happy ever after. Ride off in the sunset. Live forever. Fat chance, right?

The painful walking away:

The woobies:

*aches*

I can't even go on about the rest of the ep right now (due to emotions and needing to pack and clean), but more of the same pain and love and desperation and live forever and oh, boys, I'm so scared for them for tonight! Alas, I won't get to watch it until tomorrow at the earliest (unless someone gets it online tonight), as the fam is coming up for graduation weekend. I don't think I can wait all weekend long! I'm already dying here...

Hugs, anyone?

Also, quickly: kidnapped!Sam and tied down!Sam FTW. Anguished Dean cry of "Sammy!" This is why you do not leave your puppy alone, Dean, even if that means tying him up yourself. *shakes head* Sam almost losing an eye and I was so squeamish and oddly excited with the h/c potential and I want an AU where Sam *did* lose the eye, maybe both, and maybe some mauled and crippled from the hellhounds Dean and living as happily as possible ever after, plz.

Anyone else feel like they wanna throw up tonight? Or is that just me?

Brother's Day!

2008-05-11T15:15:58Z

How did I have time to write this, you ask? I didn't. I wrote most of it months and months ago and didn't want to post it until today, just tweaked and added a few things. Now I gots to get back to writing papers about slash - oh if my mom knew, she'd be *so* proud ;)

Title: Brother's Day
Author: Rose Ganymede
Pairings/Characters: Sam, Dean
Rating: G
Category: gen, wee!chesters
Word Count: 1792
Spoilers: nope
Summary: It's Mother's Day - so what's a little boy without a mom to do?
Notes/Warnings: Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there that are reading! Hug your wee ones close :) Feedback, as always, is love.
Disclaimer: Borrowed with great love and appreciation from Eric Kripke, the CW, and all the rest. No harm or profit intended - just giving the Winchester brothers and company another place to play, though I do so enjoy playing with them ;)

“Sammy, why aren’t you working?”

“I..

I don’t have a mom.”

Ms. Kulpik knelt down next to the boy and rested her chin on his desk. She stared into big hazel eyes and felt her own grow a little damp. Mother’s Day was two days away, and Ms. Kulpik had asked her second graders to make cards for their mothers. They had all made a list together on the blackboard of the nice things that mothers did and why you should love them and thank them, things like nursing you back to health and making cookies and reading bedtime stories and pushing you on swings, and if she remembered correctly, Sammy had even raised his hand. What was it that he’d said? Mommies would do anything for their babies. And he had looked so serious, like the boy often did, lips pursed tight in concentration, those eyes…

“Oh, Sammy, I’m so sorry,” the teacher said, and she offered a small smile. Sammy just sucked his lip in and shrugged, toying with his pencil absently. “What about a grandma or an aunt?” she asked, and Sammy shook his head. His expression hadn’t changed a bit. A study of temperance, Sammy just stared back at her, and Ms. Kulpik felt a lump catch in her throat; it was too studied, too serene. She knew this look, even in the mere month little Sammy Winchester had been in her classroom; he was thinking. Hard. A hint of a spark behind those thick, muddy eyes, cluing anyone looking to the fact that there was something - quite a lot, actually - going on underneath that moptop of his. She ran her hand over the boy’s curls lightly, wishing she could take him home and trim them. “Don’t you have anybody, Sammy, anybody at all, who does those things?” she smiled, almost pleading, and gestured toward the board. Slowly, Sammy began to smile back, and then – there it was – the excitement that lit up Sammy’s whole face whenever he knew an answer, any other time followed by a wildly waving hand.

“I have a Dean!” Sammy declared. Ms. Kulpik looked puzzled.

“A Dean?” she repeated, not certain she’d heard him right.

“Yeah, Dean! My brother!” Sammy nodded fervently. “He does all those things, he…” and here Sammy looked down at his desk and whispered, like it was a secret, “he takes care of me.”

Somehow the young teacher felt sick at heart again, but she smiled at Sammy anyway and patted his shoulder. “Oh, Sammy, I’m sure your brother would love to get a card from you.”

Sammy’s eyes went wide. “Really? You think so?”

“Really,” she laughed, happy that Sammy suddenly seemed like just another child again, and she pulled herself to her feet. Ms. Kulpik walked around the room to check on the other students, but she watched Sammy out of the corner of her eye, dashing off to the craft corner for sparkles and construction paper and markers and glue. She shook her head slowly, knowing there was bound to be quite a mess around Sammy’s desk for her to clean up after class, and she smiled inside, knowing a million messes would be worth the smile that lit up that boy’s eyes.

And then Ms. Kulpik sighed, remembering that there were twenty-one other students under her charge. Oh, a million messes indeed.

*

Dean was already sprawled out on the couch, watching Dukes of Hazzard, when Sammy got home. The younger Winchester had stayed after school to finish up Dean’s card; usually Dean waited for Sammy, and they walked home together, but today Sammy sent a message with a boy from his class, telling Dean to go on without him, he was helping the teacher and he would wait for the bus. Normally Dean wouldn’t have had it, or would’ve waited, but then Sally Ann from the eighth grade was tugging him along by his hand and insisting he walk her home. Geek Boy’d be fine on the bus, he reasoned, and he’d heard things about Sally…

“Hey, Sammy!” Dean called out, turning his head from his stack of pillows to smirk at his little brother. “What’d you do? Get a detention?” He waggled his eyebrows hopefully.

Sammy scoffed. “No way!” He dropped his coat by the door and dashed off to their room without another word. Dean stared after him for a moment, shrugged, and turned his attention back to the cousins Duke.

Sammy flopped down onto his bed and unzipped his backpack, pulling out the red construction paper card with reverence; it was perfect. Dean would love it…wouldn’t he? Sammy frowned slightly. Dean might not like the “Mother’s Day” part… Hmm… Sammy grabbed a pencil out of his bag and crossed out the “M” with a big slash and wrote “Br” above it. There, that was better. “Happy Brother’s Day.” Sammy wondered if there really was a Brother’s Day; if there wasn’t, there should be. And now there was, he thought, rather pleased with himself. Dean deserved his own holiday, even if he could be a jerk sometimes. Sammy really hoped he liked the card…

Sammy crept back out into the living room quietly, shaking hands hiding the surprise behind his back. Dean was watching a car chase intently, tapping his fingers on the armrest in time with the background music. He didn’t hear Sammy sneak up behind him, but Dean certainly felt it when the little boy pounced on top of him, and God, Sammy didn’t feel that little anymore. Dean groaned and pulled his brother into a headlock, ruffling his hair as Sammy erupted into giggles.

“Stop, stop!” Sammy begged between breaths, Dean’s hands having found their way to the boy’s ribs and armpits, tickling fiercely. “You’re gonna mess it up!” Dean let go abruptly, and Sammy tumbled to the floor, clutching the card above his head to keep it safe.

“What d’you got there, Sammy?” Dean asked. He snatched the card and waved it in the air, taunting his brother with glee. “Letter from a girlfriend?”

”No!” Sammy retorted. He waited anxiously as Dean examined the card. Dean looked up with a strange expression on his face.

“What’s this?” He stared Sammy down from beneath a furrowed brow. “Is this for me?”

Sammy bit at his lip and twisted and untwisted his fingers, squirming and fidgety. “Yeah,” he whispered. He met Dean’s eyes hopefully. “You like it?”

Dean had opened the card up and was reading the inside; Sammy could tell because his lips moved slightly. Then Dean looked up again, slow and stern, and his voice came out gruff, “Yeah, sure.” He shoved the card into his back pocket and got up from the couch, avoiding Sammy’s desperate gaze. “It’s great.” Then he stomped off to the boys’ room and slammed the door behind him. Sammy heard it click; Dean had locked him out again.

Behind the door, Dean sunk to his knees and let his head fall back heavy against the wood. He pulled the card out of his pocket, smoothing out the wrinkles with Sammy’s same reverence. It was covered with girlie little sparkles and still wet with glue, but Dean smiled and ran a gentle finger over the front, appraising the puffy paint lettering. “Happy Brother’s Day,” it read, and Dean laughed softly at the “M” that Sammy had scratched out. And then, just like that, it was a sob, low and shaking, and Dean cursed himself for crying like a baby.

The inside read:
For Dean because you read me stories and make me dinner and play games and keep me safe.
You're the best big brother ever.
No one else has a Dean, and I'm glad I have you.
Thank you for being my brother.

Love,
Sammy

Dean slammed his head back against the door. Sammy could be a real pain, and sometimes Dean wished he wasn’t always underfoot, always needing things, but Dean… Dean loved him more than anything, knew he’d do anything for the kid, even if he wasn’t quite sure what that meant. He woke up in the middle of the night sometimes in a cold sweat; he had to check under Sammy’s tangle of covers to make sure he was there. Just a month ago when Sammy thought there was a monster under his bed, Dean in his infinite wisdom figured that there probably wasn’t, having already checked quite thoroughly, but he stood guard anyway, with the lights on and a shotgun all night.

Dean wouldn’t ever let anything happen to Sammy; Sammy was his. His responsibility, Dad said, but it’s not like it was just another order, like cleaning the guns or doing the dishes. Dean had to take care of Sammy; it was just natural, instinct, like hitting a bullseye. Most times he liked it as much too. In fact, he’d kind of missed walking home with his little brother today, what with Sammy’s usual insistence on playing tag, making Dean chase him all the two blocks home. And sometimes, Dean would trade or con some kid at lunch out of his dessert, and after school he’d split a crumbly cookie with Sammy, almost always giving him the bigger piece. Truth be told, he’d been kind of twitchy, sitting there on the couch waiting for Sam to get home; they’d taken the bus in the winter and Dean knew it was safe, but he shouldn’t have…

“Dean?”

The voice came out watery from the other side of the door. Dean sucked in a deep breath.

“Dean, I’m sorry, I didn’t - “

Sam stumbled forward when Dean opened the door; Dean caught his little brother in his arms before he knocked both of them to the floor. He straightened Sam with a smirk, one hand lingering on the kid’s shoulder, the other holding out the card.

Sam sniffed loudly and wiped at his face with his sleeve. “You can give it back, Dean. It’s okay if you don’t like it.”

Dean shoved down the urge to pull his brother close again and opted to snort instead. “Of course I like it, dork. I just wanted to look at in private.”

Sam’s frown uncreased somewhat at that; Dean did seem to want to do a lot of things in private lately. Sam didn’t understand, but maybe…

“Here, go hang it on the fridge for me, will ya?” Dean tousled his brother’s hair and handed him the card. The smile he offered was soft; Sam’s was suddenly blinding. “Right next to your spelling test.”

“Okay!” Sam shot off into the kitchen, leaving Dean to scrub a hand through his hair with a sigh. He would end up taking the card down later. He saw Dad looking at it, and Dad never said a word, but Dean saw what he needed to in his father’s eyes. His mother, and just like father, he had to push those memories aside. There was work to be done. Someone had to make sure Sammy brushed his teeth. Someone had to turn on the night light.

So Dean keeps the card in the bottom of his duffel bag, where Dad doesn’t have to see it and Dean knows where it is, and so when they move again, it won't get left behind.

Random pointless WTF-ery.

2008-05-10T21:18:22Z

I just had to share my giggles:

I just ordered wings (yes, I'm cheating on my vegetarianism as of late - my theory? I'm immaculately pregnant with the antichrist and he's hungry for blood) - and as I'm trying to balance all the stuff and sign my receipt, a big gob of the wing sauce got spilled on my arm (holy hot as hell!).

So my first instinct?

Lick it off, of course.

In front of the amusingly shocked delivery guy, who just totally *leered* at me and asked if it was "tasty."

Oh, life.

These wings better be good.

That is all ;)

Spn 3.15

2008-05-09T06:04:25Z

Oh holy shit.

*indescribable whimper*

And I'm supposed to do *work* now? I don't think I'm going to be able to *sleep* for a million, million different reasons. There will be review-age after paper is finished tomorrow (screw the other one until Saturday), to be sure.

Because, again: holy shit.

That is all.

BTW, I'm alive.

2008-05-09T03:49:13Z

Just thought I would let ya'll know.

No crazy head disease, just way too much stress, strain, lack of sleep and migraines. Doctor solution? Sleep and destress! Huh, I'll get right on that. After I finish all my friggin' papers.

Struggling toward the finish line and will most likely be MIA for a coupla more days, depending on how much I decide to let these papers suck. Gah. *facepalm, headdesk, repeat*

Catchin' up on comments and episode squee (which I am downloading and will sacrifice time for, believe me) ASAP.

If I don't curl up and die first.

Remind me again why I'm gonna do this to myself all over again next year?

Mostly, I just never want to have anything to do with American Naturalism or Realism ever again. Even if I am trying to work Sci-Fi into it - should've just dug my own grave.

Leaving me little to no energy/care for slash papers, which is tres sad. Somebody jumpstart me!

Okay, back to work. *smishes*

Important Question

2008-05-03T23:58:38Z

~~How big exactly do you figure Jared's peen is?~~

Does anyone know where and when exactly Sera Gamble referred to the Supernatural plot line as the epic love story of Sam and Dean? I don't remember if it was in a written or oral interview or what, but I'd like to be able to quote the source, possibly, so if anyone can help me out, I will ~~draw you a picture of Jared's peen~~ love you forever.

<3

I am a bad, bad grad student.

2008-05-03T17:18:53Z

Hair is cut. I'm afeered it looks a bit butch (she cut it shorter than I wanted!), but maybe it'll grow on me. I'm gonna dye it tonight, and then we'll see.

Papers: write yourselves! I seem to have no ability to concentrate at all, and I *really* need to buckle down and write. The goal is to finish my Identity paper this weekend, finish my Sci-Fi Realist paper by Friday at the latest (when it is due), and my Genderswap paper for next Monday (some of it is kind of already written, thank goodness).

I was really excited about all of my paper topics, and in class I'd be writing all these notes on 'em when I should've been paying attention to other things, and now I just don't seem to have the motivation in me to make them awesome, I just want them to be *done*. Which is lame-o, and my papers on teh slash deserve better than that; I feel a sort of loyalty, heh. Except I might break some hearts with them anyway, cuz even though I love slash and it means so much to me and I write it and read it and have no intention to discontinue doing so, my Genderswap paper, at least, is becoming very, very critical, and the Identity one (which I'm still trying to narrow the focus of, but will be in one manner or another looking at the slash community as an identity group) has the potential to be somewhat negative too. There's so many awesome things about what we do and so much potential when you're talking about progressive gender/queer/feminist junk, but I'm kind of amazed by how much I've been noticing is *not* so progressive at all, and I'm not *blaming* anyone for that, but it's interesting to examine closer. So I don't know. I kind of feel like a bad slasher :) I'm sure I'll end on a hopeful note, though, and it's not like I'm completely trashing anything. Just...

Critically examining. And we all know the academy loves it when you pick apart shit rather than just herald something's awesomeness. When you try to just do that, share information about something cool that people might not know or understand a lot about, you get the reaction of, okay, but what's your point? Sometimes I just want to *record* things, you know? Be more of an archivist, observer, ethnographer, and not always analyze everything to shit. Someday, I will hand in a paper that simply says, "Dude, this friggin' rocks. Check it out." And I will break the academy, heh.

I totally have every intention of at least using the word "dude" in some future scholarly publication. And *not* even whilst quoting Dean. And I'll probably use "whilst" too, fair warning.

Goddamnit, what am I doing fantasizing about future books when I can't even make myself write a damn word of these papers?! *headdesk*

I need some sort of tazer thing to shock me every time I get distracted. Or Sammy to promise me secks if I finish a paper. You know that's how he got Dean to finish his homework in high school.

Okay, now I'm officially distracted by thoughts of underage Winchester sexin' - Genderswap paper will undoubtedly end up *very* pervy. Oh, boy.

So HAI, HOW ARE YOU?!

<3

Also, ordered the J&J single and was sad there was no friendly note or anything. Or cool CD cover. And that I paid $10 for one song. But oh wells. Showin' the love like a good fangirl. You best appreciate it, Mr. Manns. And next time, include an adorable picture of you and Jensen because then they would sell like hotcakes.

Mmm, hotcakes and Jensen. *tazer me now!*

Fic for Sammy's birthday!

2008-05-03T03:18:31Z

So the inspiration hit to write a wee ficlet for every birthday Sam's had so far, but that could take a while, and I wanted to post something before his birthday was over, so here's how he spent his first birthday. I still might write the rest...but, well, you know. *glares at work*

Title: Little Sammy
Author: Rose Ganymede
Pairings/Characters: Sam, Dean
Rating: G
Category: gen, wee!chesters
Word Count: 925
Spoilers: nope
Summary: Dean helps Sammy celebrate his first birthday.
Notes/Warnings: A wee bit o' unabashed wee!chesters schmoop in honor of Sammy's 25th birthday! What a fine, strappin' lad you grew up to be! Good job, Dean! Celebration of choice inspired much by my own childhood, my big brother looking out for me when my dad wasn't really sure what he was doing :) Feedback, as always, is love.
Disclaimer: Borrowed with great love and appreciation from Eric Kripke, the CW, and all the rest. No harm or profit intended - just giving the Winchester brothers and company another place to play, though I do so enjoy playing with them ;)

“Shh, it’s okay, Sammy.”

Dean rocked his little brother back and forth in his arms. Sammy was getting big.

“You’re getting fat, Sammy,” Dean told him. “Too fat for me to carry.” It was true. Sam was a big baby, and he was hurting Dean’s arms, but every time Dean put him down, Sammy cried. Dean laid his brother on the bed and, predictably, Sammy’s face screwed up and his bottom lip popped out, but Dean was ready.

“It’s okay, Sammy, I’m right here, I just need to put you down for one minute. Okay?” Dean stared into his brother’s wide eyes and willed him to understand. He didn’t need Sammy falling off the bed trying to reach for him, and Dad said he wasn’t really supposed to let Sam crawl around on the floor too much. It might have germs, Dad said.

Dad was sad today. Dean wasn’t sure why, especially when he realized what today was. Dean couldn’t believe he’d almost forgotten, but when he heard the man on the TV say the date, he knew. He’d spent all last year, when Mommy was still alive, counting down the days on the calendar. The day Sammy was supposed to be born. Today was Sammy’s birthday.

Dean wished his mom was here. She would make Sam a cake, like she used to for Dean. Dean didn’t know how to make a cake, and he didn’t think Dad knew how to either. Maybe that was why Dad was sad. Dean didn’t ask, just listened when Dad said to keep an eye on Sammy while he sat outside, making phone calls. They were moving again soon, Dad had said. Dean would like it, he promised, and Dad didn’t look so sure, but Dean liked riding in the car, so that was okay.

Dean told Sammy to stay put and went over to his duffel bag. Dad got him a Batman one for his last birthday; it was cool, way cooler than Sammy’s baby bag.

“De!” Sammy called out. He wasn’t crying yet, but he wasn’t happy, and he was crawling toward the edge of the bed, trying to grab at his brother.

“Stay there, Sammy! I gotta get something. You’ll like it!”

Dean rooted around in his bag and let out a pleased grunt when he found what he was looking for. He got back to the bed just before Sammy took a nosedive into the pukey-green carpet and clambered up beside him.

Dean unwrapped the little package and threw the clear plastic on the nightstand. Sam’s hands fluttered after it until Dean waved the real prize in front of him.

“Here, Sammy. Cake!” Dean tore off a big piece of his last little Debbie snack cake and offered it to Sammy. His little brother’s eyes lit up and he grabbed at it so eagerly that it smushed all over his hands.

Sammy stared, flexing his fingers, covered in creamy frosting and crumbs. He looked up at Dean warily, but when Dean just smiled, Sammy let out a loud belly-laugh and shook his hands excitedly.

“It’s birthday cake, Sammy. Eat it, it’s good!” Dean grabbed Sammy’s hand and pushed it toward his mouth, smearing more cake on the little boy. Sam grinned around his fist, licking at the little Debbie, and then he stuck his hand out to Dean. It was still messy.

“De?” Sammy asked. Dean went to push his brother’s hand away, but Sammy shook it closer and screwed up his face again, not like he was going to cry, but like he was angry. “De!” he insisted, and he pushed his little fist into Dean’s face, but it didn‘t hurt - all Dean ended up with was a mouthful of oatmeal cream pie. Sammy laughed his approval, licking what little was left of the cake off his chubby fingers.

“Happy birthday, Sammy,” Dean told him, giving him the last half of the cake. Sammy squished it in his hands and offered a gob of it to Dean.

“De,” Sammy told his brother. And grinned.

*

My childhood snack of choice - fortunately for me, my brother preferred the Swiss Cake Rolls (actually, I think Dean would probably pick those too). It's funny how cheap junk food is a particularly fond childhood memory, but the oddest things are, aren't they?

*wishes I had pictures here of me and my brother when we were adorkable little kids; he's my Dean-o, minus the incest*

Ep 3.14 meta-rambling.

2008-05-03T02:11:29Z

I had a buttload to say about last week's ep, but never got around to it right after and felt it was kinda redundant at that point, after everyone had already filled your flists up with comments. Belatedly, let me just say: GAY LOVE SAVES THE DAY. Every time. Glad to see our writers have learned that from us :)

Sammy beating down door angst = teh win. Their "grand canyon" - ha. That was perfect, tying in a fan favorite plot piece from a while back and making it applicable to the deal and whatnot; I really dug that a lot. The swearing and flipping the bird, of course. "Not cops, just hicks!" I about died! Corbett, RIP, and even though they killed you, they still made you a sweetheart, so I'm not too mad. Really wanted you to live so there could be
Harry/Corbett schmoop. Perhaps you can date from beyond the grave...Just don't call ;)

And Dean hoarsely shouting for his Sammy in a panic never gets old. And someday I will write an essay about Samantha the Damsel in Distress because, what, he got tied up again?! Which brings us to this week...

So yeah. I likes and I don't. It started out pretty awesome. The whole concept of the phone call thing, I was a little skeptical about from the previews - I honestly didn't want more John, I wanted that angst to be done with after Dean's facing his demons back in "Dream," but apparently we're not over that hump yet (I'll come to that in a minute). But this ep was genuinely creepy in some places. Excellent blood splatters, some good acting from the episodic characters. I really enjoyed the pissed off wife of the guy who killed himself. She reacted in a really honest, kind of visceral way to the boys' prodding, and I thought that was damn realistic and awesome.

The girl who played Lanie did a kick-ass job too - very emotional face but didn't milk it too far - and damn, calling Sam out on his cheap suit?! I wanted to slap her and hug her all at once ;) The little boy and the voice of the little girl - bringing kids into the mix is always creepy, and I kind of did a tummy flip when the little boy's phone rang, especially since we just found out Lanie's mom was trying to get her to OD on pills (that was a good scene too - again, she did a great job with the emotions), and I'm all like, "Please, kid, tell me you know about the Mr. Yuck stickers!"

But back to the beginning of the ep, when we first meet the boys. The bitching was awesome. I can definitely see them getting annoyed with each other, Sam stretching himself with the research and Dean torn between wanting him to find something and having his hopes strung out and crushed - the tension worked really well for me between them. And god, finally, Sam's researching - we should've been seeing visiting-professor montages all season, dammit. The "secrets" exchange - gave me chills - touche, boys. Dean's comment that he shouldn't give a shit about what Ruby says and Sam shouldn't either made me kind of squee - does that mean he still has hope? And was probably protecting Sam from the last bit of hope to be lost, finding out Ruby's been lying to him. Still, why *hasn't* Sam summoned Ruby by now? (And why hadn't they done this whole scpiel earlier in the season, even if that meant Sammy running away to do it, but this is me ringing an old bell here). But yes, the tension, beautifully palpable and in my canon, angry sex was had. *nods*

The role reversal once they hit the case didn't work as much for me. Dean believing "John"? Yes, I believe it. I kinda didn't want to go there, cuz I really think we've done the storyline between those two to death - and done it well, mind you - and while this was believable, and poor kicked puppy Dean, it felt a bit forced to me, and I *really* didn't find Sam's part in it to be in character, or at least it just didn't work for me. Isn't he the one who's so desperate to save Dean? To completely discount this possibility from the start seems odd. Once the clues coming together to point to the phone calls being from a big bad, yes, I understand, but why be so resistant from the start? And not even *try* to keep Dean from chasing after this pipe dream? It would've been one thing if Sam would've, even in the slightest, articulated his rationale behind his dismissal of the possibility and kinda Dean in general, but as the ep kind of alludes to at the end, Sam's not saying a lot this ep. That felt forced to me too - like, oh, Dean's admitting he's scared and Sam's got nothing to say? I can *believe* it, but it felt really forced, the way it was done, and so for me, it was kind of an unintentional jab at the rest of the ep's inability to articulate rationale behind the Dean/John/Sam triangle. I don't know if I'm making sense here, but I don't feel like going back through the ep to pull out specific details at this point...

Sam, though? Boy, you were hot! I don't know what Lanie's talkin' about with that cheap suit - I was tingly in my girl parts for some reason when he got out of that car and used the keyless lock, with the little beep, all in his suit and such. It was like the future!Sammy but not as forced and pansy like the one in the djinn ep. I was like, "awws, he's coming home from a day at work to ravish Dean," but alas, not today. His hair was looking mighty fine too, and I may just be on a Sammy kick again - I'd been noticing that of late, and this has cemented it nicely cuz, just, guh. The boy looked good, especially in the scene where's he talking to Lanie over the roof of the car? His facial expressions, his fucking face in general...Just so pretty and, like, regal! Shut up, I know I sound lame ;) But for reals...

The whole scene with Lanie was really well done. Sam seemed so much more mature - not that's he's been immature, really, but - I don't know. The calming but slightly jaded/disappointed voice he used, his kind of calling her out on her silence in an at once snarky but sweet way? Well done, Jarebear - ps, you are beautiful and such a large, gorgeous man, I can't even believe! It's like I suddenly noticed how *big* Jared has gotten, in the strong, broad sense, like it just snuck up on me, and he looked so pretty and like a grown up man here! Fitting that today is Sammeh's birthday. *pets*

It was kinda kick ass that Sam got tied up and Dean didn't save the day for once. And Dean's scene with the father was pretty cool...the emoting from both of 'em when they realized neither of 'em was who they thought, and the dude's like, what are you doing here, and oh, Dean's face when he says "I don't know." *broke*

There was a lot of stupid going on though. Again, we can excuse Dean somewhat for thinking about John, but seriously, Dean? When there was no crazy demon throwing you against walls action and the devil's trap or whatever didn't work? Desperation can make us do crazy things and overlook simple things, but the episode just didn't make that work for me, Dean just completely falling for it all hook, line and sinker. I don't know what it could've done differently, but something was off.

Sam falling for the voice on the phone - lame. When we know there's such a bitchfest going on between them (and a weird voice phenomenon on the loose!), as soon as I heard "Dean" just kind of happily agree to Sam's conclusions, that didn't sit right.

Also, Dean taking action all by himself to get out of the deal? Shouldn't Sam have dropped dead? I know that whole part of the contract is kind of shady and stretchable, but it seems like this wouldn't be something Dean would risk - were the writers just ignoring/forgetting about this part? And I totally didn't understand the bit at the end, where Dean says no one can get him out of this but himself. Uh, no, honey, you can't. Unless you want Sam dead, which you've previously seemed pretty against, so this is another reason the switch of roles between the two this ep didn't work for me. Logistically and on some level I can't quite explain. And the end was very abrupt, and as much as I know our boys aren't your normal average folks, the whole just ending with them calmly havin' a beer just seemed so...eh. The show's done this a few too many times - it worked really well in the Xmas ep, because there was still some sort of emotion tied to it, but here it felt kind of fake and anti-climactic. I don't know *how* I wish they would've done it instead, because tons of angst probably wouldn't have worked or been in character either - there was just something off, you know? I thought the boys in the beginning started out really strong, and some of the episodic characters were rockin' but then it just fell apart in a few places and just didn't *feel* right. I haven't seen previews for the next ep yet, but I'm still way excited and hoping they do a good job with it and we have some cool brother moments. This ep tried to in the wrong places, I felt, and didn't in the right, and just...Yeah.

I was holding out that if at least we were going to have John haunting the ep with all of Dean's emotional baggage, we could kind of have a showdown, because immediately I thought, "gee, Dean, Sammy's trying to help you, and you're just going to run to the voice of your dead father and get pissy with him instead?" and my mind went through this whole, who's he really love more - "I was looking after Sammy like you told me too." I wanted to see Sam get pissed about that, this disjuncture between Dean's relationships to Sam and John - like, when Dean suggested Sam's resistance to the phone!John being because he was still arguing with their dad beyond the grave, I expected, "and you're still blindly following his orders, and it might not even be him!" (though that could've been done in a forced way too, so maybe it's better we didn't go there). Still, if we're gonna bring this in, this split between John and Sam and Dean, why can't we explore love versus duty more clearly? Cuz that's the issue here, I think, and hits me again and again, and I thought was dealt with really well in "Dream" - yeah, Dean obviously loves Sam, but so much of it is tied inextricably up in John's orders and conditioning, for the good and the bad, and the language Dean continually uses to describe his "job" of taking care of Sam always trips me up and makes me want to cry and meta and such. It's so fucked up beyond belief. If that would've been played up more for me, it might've worked, but otherwise, dragging John back in just felt *that* - dragging. Maybe I'll fic something for this ep at some point, fill in some of the gaps for myself, but grrr, paper writing must commence. And possible birthday fic for Sammy tonight ;) It's only right...

So yeah, those are my rambles. I enjoyed the ep in some aspects and was kind of let down/disatisfied in others. *shrug* What can you do? I hear our rating are really sucking, so hopefully that'll change soon. And hopefully the remaining (2?) eps will kick ass.

Fin.

FIC: I've Got You Under My Skin

2008-04-25T18:17:23Z

Holy shit, two days in a row! And don't worry, this one ain't angsty. Written as a drabble a while back for cosmicavatar...

Title: I've Got You Under My Skin
Author: Rose Ganymede
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean
Rating: PG-13
Category: Wincest
Word Count: 1042
Spoilers: Not really; vague, brief allusion to AHBL2.
Summary: Don't tell anyone, but Dean's kinda a closet romantic. He'll be sure to tell ya ol' Blue Eyes was a tough guy, though, so don't go gettin' him wrong now. Sammy's the girl here....
Notes/Warnings: A drabble written originally for cosmicavatar, who wanted "Something mellow's playing on the radio in their motel and Sam and Dean feel like a slow dance together..." Of course, this ended up rather schmoopy, which I don't do very often! Feedback, as always, is love <3
Disclaimer: Borrowed with great love and appreciation from Eric Kripke, the CW, and all the rest. No harm or profit intended - just giving the Winchester brothers and company another place to play, though I do so enjoy playing with them ;)

Dean fiddled with the clock radio as Sam stood up from the computer to stretch. The cable was out, Sam was monopolizing the only other form of entertainment with research, and Dean had cleaned his guns twice. He let his eyes rake over Sam’s body as he stretched and yawned, his t-shirt riding up to taunt Dean with tan, taut skin. Dean settled on a station when he heard the words croon through:

You’re my girl, the boys all know.
You’re my girl, I’ve told them so…

Dean began to sing along, jumping off the bed to waltz with himself when Sam turned his glare over, soon dissolving into a shake of his head and a tired laugh. Dean could see his brother’s eyes were red, dark bags underneath them; he’d been pushing himself, and Dean knew what he was researching.

“You’re my girl, I’ve chosen you,” he teased, swaying toward Sam with a mocking grin. Sam rolled his eyes. “To be mine my whole life through.” Dean matched the singer pitch for pitch, smoky voice tripping Sam up for a moment. He made to head back to the laptop but Dean stopped him first, arms wrapping around him. Sam snorted and squirmed.

“What, you don’t like ol’ Blue Eyes, baby?” Dean’s arms circled around Sam’s waist, holding him in tight so he couldn’t get away. He could feel Sam ready to buck, turn this into a tussling match, so Dean started to dance to the music, just a little, swaying Sam with him.

“What the - “

Sam never made it easy, and Dean did the only thing he’d ever known to work when it came to shutting Sam up - he kissed him, hard enough that Dean was pretty sure his brother still groaned out a fuck. Then he nipped at Sam’s lip and pulled back, smirking at Sam’s wide eyes and slack jaw.

“Just go with it, Sammy,” and he rested his chin in the dip of Sam’s shoulder. Dean mouthed kisses at his neck and rubbed circles into his back, waiting for Sam to loosen up; he was so stiff and suspicious, ready for fight or flight, it almost made Dean laugh. He figured it’d probably be good to resist that.

“Is this some kind of a joke?” Sam tried to crane his neck to look at Dean, but Dean resolutely pressed his lips into Sam’s collarbone. It would’ve been distracting if Dean’s hands weren’t so still on his ass, swaying Sam’s body along with him, the crackle static of the radio moving them. “Are you gonna, like, punch me in the stomach suddenly and laugh? Because dude, seriously, I’m really not in the mood.”

“I’m trying to set a mood here, if you’d let me.” Dean pulled back enough to look Sam in the face; he waggled his eyebrows lecherously but his eyes glinted with something else. He slipped his hands into Sam’s jean pockets, pulling him in and rocking their hips together. Sam sucked in a breath and let his eyes close for a moment.

“And if you even say ‘Christo,’ I will punch you,” Dean warned, silencing whatever Sam could or would say with another touch of his lips, this one gently. He felt Sam’s body relax, shoulders unrolling, everything an exhale, a sigh. Sinatra crooned away, and Dean couldn’t do anything else but smile when Sam’s arms finally came up to circle around his neck. He still looked a little uncertain, but he offered a smile back, turning Dean’s into a grin.

“Atta boy. S’not so bad, is it?” Dean pressed in closer, the warmth of Sam’s chest radiating through his t-shirt, and Dean wanted to soak it up, soak all of Sam in. “I mean, how many school dances did we ever make it to, Sammy?”

“Enough,” Sam snorted. He remembered the awkwardness, all the boys lined up against the one set of bleachers, the girls on the other, Sam still growing into his long, thin limbs. Dean never danced much at his either; he was usually behind the bleachers, bodies pressed into bodies without the movement of music. This, Sam decided. This was kind of nice.

“You do realize,” Sam murmured, rubbing his cheek against Dean’s, voice lowering, “this doesn’t mean I’m gonna put out or anything.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Dean grinned into Sam’s hair.

“That’s good. Because I really have no intention of letting you fuck me as long and slow as you want into the mattress as soon as this song is over.” Dean bit back a moan as Sam left one arm hooked around Dean’s neck, the other sliding down his chest.

One song faded into another as Dean dipped Sam down onto the bed. I’ve got you, under my skin… He stretched out across his brother and ran his fingers everywhere, slow and lingering over his arms, his chest, his face, his hair; Dean buried his head there.

“I don’t know, Sammy,” he whispered. “I’d kinda like to keep the music on if you don’t mind.”

“What, you got a hard-on for Sinatra?”

Dean sunk his teeth into Sam’s earlobe, felt Sam twitch against him and rolled his hips back in answer, both of them breathing heavier at the friction. Tried so hard not to give in…

“No, but he sure does know how to set the mood.” Sam muffled his agreement into Dean’s lips, and neither of them said anything for a while, tongues sliding and hips rocking, petting and rolling, sinking into the sheets and each other until they had to come up for air.

“And I’m not your goddamn girl, Dean,” Sam broke in, scrubbing a hand across his red, swollen lips. Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and pressed it into the bed, crushing his mouth back into Sam’s again.

“Prove it,” he growled, wondering if Sam would take him up on that wrestling match now.

Sinatra sang along to the squeaking of bed springs, and Dean felt himself melt into Sam, and Sam - Sam let him in.

I’ve got you deep in the heart of me, that you’re really a part of me…
I’d sacrifice anything come what might, for the sake of having you near…

I’ve got you…
under my skin.

*

Soundtrack:
Frank Sinatra - You're My Girl
Frank Sinatra - I've Got You Under my Skin

FIC: You are my sweetest downfall

2008-04-23T23:35:22Z

Title: You are my sweetest downfall
Author: Rose Ganymede
Pairings/Characters: Dean and Sam
Rating: PG
Category: pre-series, wee!chesters
Word Count: 1176
Summary: Dean doesn't know how to act around Sam anymore. Everything comes out vicious and ugly.
Notes/Warnings: If you're picking up on slashy subtext, it's not an accident. Title taken from "Samson" by Regina Spektor. This can be considered a part of the The Way We Were series/history, but stands alone easily. Feedback, as always, is love <3
Disclaimer: Borrowed with great love and appreciation from Eric Kripke, the CW, and all the rest. No harm or profit intended - just giving the Winchester brothers and company another place to play, though I do so enjoy playing with them ;)

Dean chewed on the end of his pen and watched Sam. Sam sat across another cheap Formica tabletop from Dean, pouring over his homework with bright eyes and pursed lips and a concentration Dean was pretty sure was unnatural for any third grader. Dean was supposed to be working too, but he alternated between doodling and staring; pre-algebra was not nearly as interesting as drawing guns or sketching Sam with his eyes. The kid looked up every so often to blow his bangs out of his face, and Dean had to look away or back down at his paper or furrow his brow in constipated confusion. It was getting rather annoying. Dean thought about abandoning his homework altogether and taking up residence on the couch, where he could switch from MTV to the back of Sam’s head, bowed reverently over his book, small, bony shoulders curving in a hunch, pale white neck peeking out between the brush of brown, too-long hair and Dean’s ratty old flannel…

Sammy was just so…

Dean didn’t have words. Not besides pretty, and soft, and breakable, but he couldn’t say those. He knew somewhere in his stomach they were wrong, and it felt ugly and sour all the way up to his mouth, and came out “twerp” and “bitch,” words ugly as Dean felt. Dirty as Sam was clean, and pure.

Sam was tapping his pencil against the corner of his book as he thought, the taptaptapping grating on Dean’s nerves and Sam’s hair was in his eyes so Dean couldn’t glare at him to stop. He wanted to rip it out of Sam’s hands. Maybe break it in two. Dean wanted to get up, get out, but Dad was gone and it was almost dark and Dean had to watch Sammy. He kind of wanted to break Sam’s pencil in half for that too.

Dean didn’t know why he’d been lashing out his brother so much lately. Why the kid just got under his skin. God, sometimes he just wanted to hold Sam down and slap him and hit him and pinch him until he cried. Hold him down and spit all the sour in his face. It itched so bad, the urge, Dean curled it in his fists, slammed doors and teased Sam furiously when Dad wasn’t around. And when Dad was, Dean felt worse. He knew he was letting them down, both of them, more than just the “quit acting like a little shit, Dean,” and Sam’s hurt snuffling into the corner, but he wasn’t sure what, or why exactly.

Sometimes Dean just wanted to tell Sam, what Dad did, about Mom - sometimes to hurt him. Mostly, though, because he just couldn’t carry it all, Mom and Dad and Sam. But Sammy wouldn’t understand, and Dean didn’t want him to. Sammy was good. Sam was good and smart and working on his homework like Dean told him to and looked at Dean like his big brother held the moon.

Sam was good, and Sam was Dean’s responsibility; Dad said so. Dean’s hands clenched around his pencil enough he could hear the wood creak, and sometimes he hated Sam - who did Sam have to be responsible for? -and that was probably easiest, even if it made him sick sometimes too. It was easier to hate - even though Dean knew that wasn’t what it was - than to…whatever this other thing was. Love, like families loved each other, maybe. Dean thought they must, him and Dad and Sam, even if they didn’t say it or hug like on Full House or something (Sam had learned to stop saying it, to stop expecting to hear it). Winchesters loved differently, but Dean wasn’t stupid enough to think he didn’t love his brother. He did. He was pretty sure, though, it wasn’t supposed to hurt like it did.

It was hard to be in the same room as Sam and know what to do with himself. The rooms were so small, the motels and the houses and this apartment too, and Dean could hear his blood thrum loud and his legs jumped without warning. He wanted to be out with Dad, and run and hunt and have something to do and not think and stare at Sam until the boy’s face was new and strange and so achingly the same and Sammy all at once. But no, Dean was stuck with Sam, like always, and he drummed fingers nervously on tables and curled and uncurled his fists at his sides and he bit his lip into strips.

Dean tore off a loose flap of thin skin, on his bottom lip, and worried it between his fingers. Sam read on obliviously, tip of his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth. Dean hoped the kid bit down on it; Dean bit down on his, hard enough to draw blood, hard enough to keep down all of the dirty, sour things that threatened to bubble out. He wanted to leave, shoot some hoops or something, but he couldn’t leave Sam, and he didn’t want to take Sam with him. “Look after your brother, Dean,” Dad had said. Look but don’t touch.

Sometimes, that’s all Dean wanted, more than anything, to hold Sam like he used to, pet his hair and curl around him close and warm and safe and hold his chubby little hand but now it was growing longer and thinner and one look from Dad and Dean knew it just wasn’t okay anymore. Dean was too old or too big or Sam was or something, and that was fine. Sam was annoying anyway, and he didn’t understand about girls or hunting or rock music or anything. He didn’t understand that Dean wasn’t supposed to sleep with him or play with him or bathe him anymore or let him cry or touch. Dean was a man now; Dad said so. He didn’t have to say that wasn’t what men do; Dean knew.

But Sammy didn’t, and sometimes he still tried to tug Dean back, or he stared up at him with round, wet, disbelieving eyes when Dean wouldn’t budge. Those were the worst times, when Dean really felt the itch. To yell or to cry, to hurt, to hurt himself for ever wanting to hurt Sam. If only Dad knew; Dean was ugly and wrong and it was all Sammy’s fault. But then Sam looked up from his homework and caught Dean’s eye. “Can we have fish sticks for dinner, Dean?”

Fish sticks were Dean’s favorite; Sam liked them okay. Dean thought he’d be asking for mac’n’cheese again.

“Sure, Sammy. Fish sticks it is then.” And Dean threw down his pencil, pushed out of his chair, and went for the fridge. Sam beamed at him and went back to reading, humming lightly under his breath. Dean felt sick but not sour inside, and his hands twisted in the hem of his shirt. He made to push Sam’s bangs back out of his eyes and stopped short. Instead he turned back toward the fridge and opened the freezer. “Fish sticks it is.”

Life? What life?

2008-04-17T22:55:02Z

Gah, long time no post! It's been bizzy.

Trying to hunt down apartments in FL from afar, with some difficulty, as unless my landlord lets me sublease here, I have no money to give up at the moment. And I know I need to secure a place fast, as I'm sure the good deals will get swiped up, and already, I'm seeing that it's more expensive than Pittsburgh, which kind of surprised me.

In better news, guess who is made of awesome? Well, you are, but also? bigfiction! She sent me a cute card full of love and a paper crane and therefore *I gives hugs*

Random presents are the bestest, and I love mail. When I move again, I will demand mail.

While we're playing the guessing game...

So guess who's speaking at my graduation? AL FRIGGIN' GORE! Seriously. I wasn't going to go to the big graduation - our department has a little one where I actually get my diploma - but now I'm reconsidering. I mean, I'm not a Gore fangirl or anything, but how often does this kinda thing happen, right?

Um. I still need to catch up on comments and things. I'm going home for the weekend because we have tomorrow off class (no teaching! yay!), so I'm not sure how much I'll be online, and I'm trying to get some work done tonight before I leave. That's going *real* well, let me tell ya.

Oh, and I went to a BDSM talk on campus this week. It was pretty cool. We got this sample contract between couples with this GINORMOUS checklist of various activities and levels of consent that I really need to type up and post for ya'll. And then demand that everyone write a fic for one cuz Jeezuz, there be a bunch.

I owes sammys_grl tied up!Sam fic for Sweet Charity, and I promise it soon, hun! I was thinking it was due by the end of this month and, of course, it was last month :( I'm so sorry! You'll get it soon, and hopefully it will be ~~panty~~mindblowing ;)

Looks like I'm not gonna make Big Bang :( I just don't have the time. I still have every intention of writing Jendroid, but I don't want to rush it for this - and it's just not possible, for that matter, so. I'll try to write other fic in the meantime, though lately, I spend most of my time writing *about* fic which, hey, still pretty awesome. Will most likely poll you again soon.

A friend of mine gave me a pass for a free haircut, and even though I'm not sure if I wanna get my hair cut short again or not, it's friggin' called Dean of Shadyside Salon, so I kind of have to, right? It's only right.

Pathology comes out tomorrow! Yay Milo! I definitely wants to see it at some point, but I'm thinkin' it's probably not a film I want to go see with the fam. I can't wait to see them, even more than Milo <3

So, yes, that's life as of late.